HopeK429

A dying man gave me a book once. I didn’t know he was dying and he didn’t know he was giving me so much more than just a book.that day was 25 years ago today..

That man was a former college professor and he passed away from prostate cancer before I got the chance to thank him.

When I took this professor’s journalism class I didn’t expect to form a friendship with the man behind the podium after class I went to speak with him in his office about why I had missed a few of his classes. He was open, genuine, understanding, and kind. Empathy radiated from his eyes.He asked about my course of study, which was creative writing, and this led to the discussion of poetry.It was just a one year class to fill in my schedule and a credit but it was probly the best class I had in college,,never did I think I would someday write even if it is just personal thoughts and stories , but here I am doing just that..He said he had been writing poetry his entire life but he never shared it with anyone.I told him that was a shame.

Without a word, he got up from his desk, and went to retrieve some poems he kept hidden in his office. With a shrug of the shoulders he handed them to me.told me to read them when I had the time to spare.. and of course I began reading as soon as I got home that day..

Most of the poetry was centered around the love of his life, a woman he had loved and lost a few decades ago. He confided in me that he was trying to find her now that he was older and divorced. And that’s when he explained he was slowly dying from prostate cancer.To say that I admired this gentle soul is putting it mildly. His insistence on working while very ill was commendable by itself. The fact that he took the time to show me empathy when I was struggling and to share with me was amazing.He was someone in deep pain reaching out to comfort and bring smiles to those he met. And, luckily for me, I was one of the recipients.

I regularly visited his office after my class with him ended. Seeing him always brightened my day. It was like visiting with a favorite Grandparent. I would ask about his search for his lost love and how he was feeling and he would ask me about my plans after my upcoming graduation. No matter what was going on with his health he always asked how I was doing.

After graduation I moved to another state We emailed back and forth every now and then. He was very vague about his health but I knew it wasn’t good.I could sense he was worse each time I got mail from him, 

The happiest email he ever sent was to tell me he had found her, the long lost love of his life.She was, of all things, an oncology nurse working with pancreatic cancer patients.but that his search was over he could rest easy knowing she was happy healthy and safe after all the years of not knowing how she was, his love was undying for her yet he was dying and she had no idea.. and to me this was the saddest of all things yet..

One day, after not hearing from him for a while, I received an email asking for my address. He seemed slightly frantic and said there was something he had to send to me. I sent my information right away. A few days later the book “Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart” by Gordon Livingston was in my mail box..The book was beautiful. But not half as beautiful as the gesture.

I read the book right away and was incredibly moved that this former professor cared enough to express mail me a book that inspired him as he was dying. there was a time not long ago that I got that book out and I re read it again. it was like I  needed it.. and I was right.

I sent him an email thanking him and never received a response. Silence ..

 and time with more silence..Time passed and I would send him emails every month or so and still get no reply. I knew in my heart he was gone but liked to think of him as too busy to reply. Off chasing that newly found lost love perhaps, it lessened the pain of the knowing he was gone.

I never forgot about him or the gift he gave me. I carried that book with me over the years and it survived many moves and personal tragedies where I lost nearly everything.But it gave me strength each time I needed it.

He had passed away right after he mailed me the book.

Since I never got to see him again or thank him for the gift of kindness and gesture he gave me, this is my thank you. Thank you, dear professor, for caring about a struggling lost college kid. Thank you for teaching me so much more than just a class.Thank you for teaching me  kindness to those around me thank you for the expression of thought and words to pen and paper but most of all thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in my self,

This world is so full of perfectionist, people expect perfect in so many things, they want to shape you and mold you into what they want you to be and not accept you for just the God given person that you are., I refuse to change to suit someone else because I don't want someone I have to change I want someone I can accept everything about them their flaws their good parts their bad parts  all of them and still love  them the same as if they were perfect, because for me and to me that person would be perfect , because I love and accept them as they are the same as I hope that person would do for me..but until  that happens these are some things I like in a person and things I do everyday myself :) I like people who begin by blurting out something overly personal because its how they are. and they don't care  what others may think of them... I like people who aren’t afraid to walk around with a stain on their shirt. I like people who  laugh at their own jokes. I like people who give compliments to strangers in the grocery store and make friends when they’re washing their hands in the bathroom.

I like people who get passionate about ideas and excited about others’ success stories. I like people who live a little outside of the box, who march to the beat of their own drum, and who make it a mission to help those around them.

I like people who own their failures, and apologize easily. I like people who know who they are deep down inside, and let that person shine like crazy. I like people who tell the truth. I like people who can joke often and don’t take themselves too seriously.

I like people who love life so much they don’t make room for drama or petty behavior, only more love. I like people who like people. I like people who like books, and stupid tv shows, .that cry at something sad in a movie, even if its a Disney one :)

I like people who stop by just to say hello, I like people who have their own opinions, but aren’t threatened by you having your own opinion as well.I like people who  have never felt prejudice in anyway against another person, were all the same we were all born butt naked, we all were  born with nothing , were gonna leave this world with nothing, well I hope I leave it with teeth :) but  you get what I'm saying  , we all bleed red we were all created by God, so what if I'm white and maybe you maybe are black, we are still the same in my book...

I like people who laugh at their un-washed hair and admit when they ran out the door  and  forgot to brush their teeth on a hurried morning....lol Ive brushed mine in the car many many times... I like people who share all their favorite recipes, and let you try their favorite makeup before you buy it, and brag about getting their dress from the clearance rack.and trust me I like clearance shopping....

I like people who ask for help.  Lord knows I'm a stubborn woman but  I will sometimes ask for help... sometimes :) like people who show up. I like people who don’t feel the need to show off. I like people who don’t pick up before you come over, and people who don’t pick fights where fights don’t belong.People who are laid back easy going..

I like people who say “bring whoever you want.” I like people who build bigger tables, and greet every single person with a warm hello, as if they have been best friends for years.

I like people whose eyes get bright when they talk about their passions, and people whose voice gets louder when they sing their favorite song. I like people who build businesses and who build up everyone around them.

I like people who aren’t perfect.
I like people who aren’t cool. 
I like people who aren’t trying to keep up with everyone else. 
I like people who aren’t trying to be someone they were never made to be.

I like people who are so real it hurts and it makes other people uncomfortable.

I love all people, but man, there’s a special place in my heart for the messy ones. the misfits, the ones  that aren't perfect the ones who are flawed, the ones that learn by making kick ass mistakes at times, the ones who love before hating, the ones who don't wanna be like everyone else . People kinda like me  the social oddities that prefer a crowd  3 people to a hundred, I just like people who can be themselves no matter where in the hell they are ;) and who can own their own kinda crazy ! :)

It’s hard to be a human being. ..
when you seem to be trapped inside yourself with the rest of the world out there, on the other side and you feel insignificant and fragile, like a tiny island surrounded by a vast, roaring ocean that’s threatening to submerge you.It’s hard to be a human being when you’re forced to share your inner world with a crazy, whirling thought-machine that never stops churning and chattering and makes you fear things that can’t hurt you and desire things that can’t make you happy. It’s hard to be a human being when there are impulses inside you that you don’t understand and that don’t seem to have an outlet as if they were meant for someone else, or for another world and have attached themselves to you by mistake. It’s hard to be a human being when the world is so chaotic that you can’t find your right direction can’t find a life that aligns with your inner purpose and you feel inauthentic and unfulfilled like an actor who hates the role he plays. But the strangest thing is how easy it is to step outside this world of discord.

The strangest thing is that this suffering that seems so dense and deep-rooted is only superficial, and insubstantial.

The hardship of being human is the pain of separation – the incompleteness of a lonely, fragile fragment who was once part of the whole and longs for unity again. Let go of your autonomy, and let your mind fall silent  until you feel yourself reconnecting to the whole. And then your suffering will begin to ease like a passing storm, that gives way to stillness. And then you will sense the security of belonging, the joy of participating the lightness of life living through you
the inner strength that wholeness brings. Then you will remember how easy human life was meant to be.

Laddy Gaga It Hurts to Be Human..  https://youtu.be/Z25aDKQ7Ojw