What do you do when you do things you were told were right by your
boss, and your coworkers tell you you are wrong? What do you do when
people who's opinion you trust think you are messing up, because they
were given an inaccurate assessment of a situation? What do you do
when someone uses passive aggressive behavior in an attempt to force
you to do things their way even if their way is not the right way?
What do you do when you can feel the ground shaking in a bad way and
there is no earthquakes? What do you do when those you have counted on
relied on and trusted are angry at you for trying to do things the best
way you know how? What do you do when someone says your whole world
centers around one thing and it is really true, because you really have
nothing else in your life that gives you any joy because of all the
sadness that has been in your life for several years , except the thing
you have placed in the center to keep your mind off the bad things?
What do you do when you look to a friend for support and help, and they
give you a lecture about everything they THINK you are doing wrong when
others think you are doing things right? What do you do when you can
not find any peace in your real life because of things you can not
control like constant on going construction all day and night yards from
your bedroom? What do you do when you find yourself just sitting and
crying for no reason that your conscious mind can pin point? What do
you do when you got a birthday coming up in 4 days and you are sure no
one will remember it?, because everyone is so wrapped up in things going
on in their own lives? Some of my relatives are dealing with a
death. He will be burred tomorrow, after a long illness. Some of my
relatives are dealing with their own illnesses. Some of them are
dealing with my nephews cancer that has came back for the 4th time in
the past decade. I do not want people to think that I think my
birthday is more important then the things I have listed. I understand
the bigger and worse things must take the center of peoples minds. It
is just sad for me when I turned 50 no one took notice . I had no
party no cake or ice cream and only a very few cards. Now I will be
turning 60 and I can see no one will take notice of this either. I
would be lying if I said I was not a tiny bit jealous, when my
sister-in-law turned 60 they had a big catered party for her. I never
let anyone see how hurt I am when I am ignored on special days. That
is why I blog as a way of getting my feelings out without anyone in my
family ever knowing. I make a point of not having any of them on my
friends list on this profile, because to be honest I feel a little
embarrassed that I feel this way. I should worry more about trying to
help them through their problems then about me not getting cake and ice
cream on my birthday. I have a niece who does get me a shamrock
shake for my birthday she has been doing it for years :) , but I
really doubt she will remember this year and I will totally understand
if she forgets this year. You see the death I mentioned the one that
is being burred tomorrow is her grandpa. He is the only grandfather
she ever knew my dad was dead long before she was born. I know this is
going to be hard on her and her mom. Her grandpa was a really
wonderful man. He was a truck driver most of his life , and really
handsome. He loved my niece so much she was his first grand child.
Why when so many people I love are having such a hard time, Why am I
dwelling on how sad I am? I actually already know the answer to that
one. It is because I can control my actions like not letting them see I
am upset so they can concentrate on what they must, but I can not
control how I feel. It is important to put the needs of those you love
above your own especially when they are having such a hard time, but it
is impossible to keep the emotions from coming.
I am trying
desperately to turn the negativity around into something positive. I
can not bring my sister-in-laws dad back so I have decided to try to
paint her a picture of him. I am not great with people so this will
take some time, but if I am lucky I will have it done by Christmas. By
then maybe her pain will let up enough that she will be able to see why
I painted it.
